my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this
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eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
