my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this
You Might Also Like
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
🍛
I think costco should be the next president of the united states