my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this
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new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
I hate when people say “Bite me” and then act all surprised…..
See..?
.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”