my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this
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Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
(Electricians.)
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
Truth
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
aesthetic
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
My toddler threw a tantrum because I corrected him when he said he wanted to “Be Halloween for Mickey Mouse”.
I am now standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet