My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
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My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Me when my alarm goes off
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.