Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.

The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash

My daughter is so critical…

“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”

[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”

Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one

“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.

When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”

future wife: how many alarms did you set

me: don’t worry about it

wife: how many

me: twenty seven

wife: set three more

Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.

My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.

*gloating* I just broke the internet

Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.

*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile

You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.

“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.

*inventing the mirror*

“People don’t have enough to worry about.”

Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?

Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snack

Snacks are ALWAYS the answer

if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker

Them: “let me know if i’m ever annoying you”
Me: *10 seconds later “ok… well this is awkward”

rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.

Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.

girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears

“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?

Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!

-You mean pinched

[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]

It’s pinched?

When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.

Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.

I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.

rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.

Wife: but she’s only 3.

Me: I need the extra time.

Wife: why?

Me: to catch and train the owl.