Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face

T-rex: hell yeah

tour guide: here are the sharks

me: bitey boi

guide: …and over here, a swordfish

me: pointy boi

guide: get out of the aquarium

Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.

I saw you checking me out.

Cashier: Literally my job, sir.

Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.

If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies

My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.

I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.

I’m sorry I don’t speak any English

-me when someone starts talking to me

My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.

[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that

Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.

WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.

[ funeral ]

me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands

her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping

My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house

me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?

dentist: how are you talking out your nose

I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.

I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.

Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that

At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.

Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.

My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”

Kid: I’m starting to think you love your garden more than us.

Me: Wow. That’s. Just wow. I mean… *glances back at plants to make sure they’re not listening*

Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?

Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her

WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something

ME: *gulps* oh no

WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”

oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you

By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance

Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.

Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.

[shows up 2 hours late for interview]

Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.