My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
![]()
You Might Also Like
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
I just turned on my car’s seat warmer to keep my Chipotle order warm in case you wondered how seriously I take Taco Tuesday.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout
Once a year there is a public event at my old job that I dress in cosplay for and walk around incognito taking pictures of everything that looks terrible to send to my old coworkers.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.