My coworker told me I smelled good but immediately followed up with “you smell like my grandma” so I’m never using this rose oil shampoo again absolutely devastating
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*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
As a parent on vacation, the absolute dumbest thing you can do is let the kids stay up late, assuming they’ll sleep in. Ask me how I know.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
How fast is milk?
It’s pasteurised your eyes before you know it….
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”