My coworker told me I smelled good but immediately followed up with “you smell like my grandma” so I’m never using this rose oil shampoo again absolutely devastating
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Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they’re actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That’s What I Call Music! 4
HR says I have to stop switching people’s vapes with kazoos.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Before I had sons, I assumed all little boys were Kevin McCallister. Then my older boy was born and he turned out to be Samwise Gamgee. Joy of joy! I went ahead and had another boy and got Kevin McCallister.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve