my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
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Finally, a door that understands me
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket