my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
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In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
my boyfriend just said “i encourage you to try all things” to our cat who was licking up buffalo sauce
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
I just want the confidence of my teen who replied “Who’s this?” to a guy who texted her after ghosting her for a month.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”