My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
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[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
giddy up Office Depot
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
[me on a first date] Neil Armstrong backwards is Gnorts Mr Alien
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Watching a movie on the plane? No thanks. Watching my seatmate’s movie with no audio and not understanding what’s going on for over an hour? Yassss.