My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
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Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
liiiiiiiiike
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should