My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
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[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
I like both candidates but I think we need somebody older
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
found a horse’s reddit account
Putting up my, “Hell yeah you can trespass, I love when people do that,” sign.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Me: Want to go to your classmate’s birthday party?
7yo: Yes, I love him! He’s my favorite! We’re best friends!
Me: What does he like so we can get him a present?
7yo: I don’t know.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
mr. rogers: can you get me a pack of camels
amelia bedelia: *comes back with a caravan*
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.