Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”

My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.

[gets pulled over for driving in the HOV lane alone] BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE
[cop walks up] what the heck

I’m awake.

Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids

Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.

Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.

United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.

What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.

A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year

If you leave your trash cans out all week you’ll always be the first to have them at the curb

[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!

Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..

I said , “The red runny type”.

Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Informant: why?

Me: for spilling the beans

Informant: I didn’t-

Me: shut your fern gully

Informant: what

Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy

Informant: ok now you’re making these up

Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur

Grab your brass knuckles, we’re heading to the Waffle House.

I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden

Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”

Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*

I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible

The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.

Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!

*silence*

Todd the snail: This is bullshit

*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*

“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets

me: [dancing in a well lit area]

Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not

*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*

Me: “How do you pronounce that?”

Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”

Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.

Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.

Her: Do you like this outfit?

Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?

Her: Changing.

Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!

Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.

I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.

Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper

Pre- means before, and • post- means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.

I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days