My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
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Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.