My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
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Asks AI, “I nicked my leg shaving.”
AI results, “Remove leg”
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Saturday
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone