my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
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please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
The future is now.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
[7 AM at the grocery store]
Me: Wow all the old people are out early.
Me [realizing I am out with them]: Dammit.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
I know a bad idea when I see one.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.