my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
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Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Apologies for the delays. The suitcase smashing machine has broken down, so we’re having to smash suitcases by hand.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
Gonna tell my dentist that if I’m late, he should start without me.
Sorry, I left in a separate car when you suggested a romantic drive.
Husband: …
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no