Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year

morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it

Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*

My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*

i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi

I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.

Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.

Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.

Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.

Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?

Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol

My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to

If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?

No chance of blocking an uppercut.

PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”

They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”

That suggestion has holes in it.

Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.

*deep inhale*

YOU TELLIN ME A GAR LICKED THIS BREAD!?!?!?!???!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!

mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights

also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼

[lights go out]

ME: *traps a spider under a glass*

ROOMMATE: Now what?

ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.

Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.

I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.

I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”

Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.

There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.

One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.

A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?

Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally

Me: ok

Boss: like… don’t tho

From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”

Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.

I made some soup yesterday entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere…

It was a broth of fresh air!🤭😁

If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.

I followed you because you’re hot

-Mosquitoes

My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me

I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.

Dumplings,

This is going to be my year.

WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia