Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.

How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?

Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.

Introverts: Praise Jesus!

Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.

Ideas for getting more exercise:

– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle

(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?

If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.

bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery

banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*

bank robber: *points gun* not that cool

Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“

Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.

Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.

I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.

if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?

I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.

Me: why don’t I have a gf

Him: have you tried asking someone

Me: no

Him: like her. Ask her.

Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf

DOG 911: What’s your emer-

DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE

DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?

DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

My chiropractor is a crack addict.

*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”

Please be aware that while my posts are largely based on true events, some have had squirrels added for dramatic purposes.

God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers

I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.

[first day as a sports announcer]

*clears throat*

*taps mic twice*

Me: sprots

A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.

Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.

[thrift store]

Me: I’d like one thrift, please

Cashier: sir, we sell used-

Me: money is no object

C: we don’t-

M: I need a thrift

“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”

*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*

Travel bloggers during quarantine

2023 was just a warmup

“It’s better to give than to receive.”

I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet

Called it