My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
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I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
I don’t make the rules sorry
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
wearing a condom while she on birth control call that two factor authentication
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
The next time someone does one of those ‘write a 3 word horror story’ competitions, I’m going to enter this picture.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry CavillAnd, no, it’s not a chowder class.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Every Adele song is about lasagna.