My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
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Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Fun Fact:
Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
I commented to a friend that I didn’t know how goofy Scream was. It turns out I have never seen Scream. I saw Scary Movie.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
[trying to open a packet of hotdogs but I can’t because I refuse to slow down on my run]
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.