My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
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[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Pronounce ‘bourgeoisie’ as if you were choking on a corndog.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
Every
Single
Year
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
My first day of student teaching my pants zipper broke. I stapled that bad boy shut… carefully.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
“Shall we proofread this before posting?”
“Fuck it.”
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great