My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
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Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
People say I’m an idiot for using superglue instead of bonjela, but I’m sticking to my gums.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
the duality of man
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.