Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?

Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.

Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?

There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours

Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.

Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?

The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb

my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas

absolute chaos

If any of you ever do a podcast about the best foods to eat in the shower, I’ll be your “expert” guest.

Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night

If a mummy was chasing me I’d just walk slightly faster

Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?

Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot

just gave my 5yo power of attorney

*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE

me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents

[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

Him: omg this is cray cray

Me: ok that was easy

Me: How much for the goth cucumber?

Clerk: That’s a cactus…

The NFL has hired their first female referee.

She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.

WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.

THERAPIST: is this true?

ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?

The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.

Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!

video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!

me: [walks around the room]

video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!

*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*

Me: leave

CW: why?

Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?

oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???

Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.

Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.

Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.

I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets

judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead

owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor

Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship

My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.

“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”

I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.