Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!

[20 years later]

mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother

When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.

Best comet pics yet. 🤣 ☄️

*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?

just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon

everything is a lie nothing is real

Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?

Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.

I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.

Men: Remember that time…

Women: Yes

PLOT TWIST:

Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.

today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey

The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.

Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.

Got lectured today from my doctor about my glucose level. I knew I should’ve studied more for that blood test.

Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.

This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.

— Dogs

Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.

There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.

Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.

Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?

Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.

Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?

If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?

I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.

saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection

Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)

me and my fake scenarios

“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.

Countries whose names are lies:

• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom

Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol