My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
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The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Windchimes
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Be the one that gets asked to remove the hockey mask, during a conference call, on Friday the 13th.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.