My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
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Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?