My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
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1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
also my go-to takeaway order
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
“what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” oh it’s ok you can just kill me next time
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief