Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes

Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.

If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler

Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, how

Normal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why

Dear plastic wrap,

I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.

– me

Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge

WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”

I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.

What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?

[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*

Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.

My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.

two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second

I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume

Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car

ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.

doctor: can you describe the pain?

me: i have a knife sticking into me

doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain

me: sharp

doctor: like a knife?

me: yes, exactly that

doctor: *proudly* its my first day

A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.

date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”

Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.

If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.

Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.

Announcer: Oh dear.

Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.

I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?

If my trainee says “on God” one more time, he’s going to meet him

me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?

Five Guys: thats a peanut.

My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…

[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets

every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”

NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”