Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.

SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school

ME: What’s that?

SON: A big building with lots of kids

therapist: overthinking

me: you mean predicting the future

Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!

Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.

me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that

waiter: uhhh you want fries with that

I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur

When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.

Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.

Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.

If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?

IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE

I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?

*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*

Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!

Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.

how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames

This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”

Apparently the other 2 become immortal.

date offered me her hot tub and started cutting up carrots into it after i got in

am i cooked

Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?

Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.

My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.

“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”

“I’m a cop.”

“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”

*hides recorder in box*

*puts box in safe*

*locks safe*

*digs 50-foot hole*

*throws safe in*

*covers hole*

[5 minutes later]

9yo: *playing recorder*

Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank

*puts my mental health in rice

[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO

“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???

My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.

I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.

Doctor: Describe your headache.

Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.

me: I feel your pain

french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread

4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.