Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WATSON: do you even have a proper education?

SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson

WATSON: but, like, beyond that

SHERLOCK: nah

[about to climb Mt. Everest]

Me: omg is there no parking ?

[crashing my bike]

spin class instructor: how did you do that

The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses

When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.

per my last wtf

Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.

Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?

Girls don’t want boys. Girls want the 12-foot skeleton from Home Depot.

Deleting my dating apps to meet someone the old fashioned way, his best friend moves in next door and he ignores me at a party only to propose to me and I say I hate him but then I see his house and he gets my idiot sister out of a jam and his aunt yells at me

Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.

Me: Throws holy water in her face.

*Neighbor melts

Me: Not today Satan.

JERY: Maybe you can just go back

TERESA MAY: go back ?

JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.

MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?

JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously

Just read the Ten Commandments for the first time and you can’t do shit with your neighbor

If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2

Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.

My apathy is at an all time whatever.

make up your mind

I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.

God: I am the father of humanity.

Human: *changes climate*

God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!

Recipe for homemade charcoal:

1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…

I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.

I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”

INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired

me: I’m not feeling well

doctor: take your glove off

I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks

i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”

parenting is not for the faint of heart

*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.

*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.

*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.

NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.

HER: I work for the Red Cross.

ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.