My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
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[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me
This a good idea
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks