I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
You Might Also Like
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.