My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
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if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
checking my bank account to see how ethical i want to be with my egg purchase
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Why did they call it painting your toenails and not graffeeti
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
if bears could make porridge the temperature would be like the last thing on my list of concerns
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 😭😭😭😭
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
