Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.

If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.

Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.

37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.

UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria

U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier

I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?

me: will i go to jail in the future

psychic: no

me: gimme your wallet and empty the register

just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”

The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”

Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn

Just randomly thinking about the guy I dated that broke up with me because I used a chicken tender like a spoon to eat mashed potatoes

*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*

Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?

Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.

I ran into one of my students at the grocery store with some wine in my cart and he said “that’s because of us isn’t it?”

When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are

Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.

Know your customer. Think like an idiot.

Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?

“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe

Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.

turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi

*helping son with math problem*

[hour later]

JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!

moderator: your word is “impatient”

sloth: can you use it

moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“

sloth: in a

moderator: you know what close enough *ding*

sloth: oh great thank you

moderator: what the

“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market

“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me

Me: please give my compliments to the chef

[later]

Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes

wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about

When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.

The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.