Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.

[Getting lucky on the first date]

Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!

Pre- means before, and • post- means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.

I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count

-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.

-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.

I’m nearly qualified to be a weaver. My final exam is looming.

H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings

I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)

JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here

MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula

WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh

Do I speak Spanish?

Oui!

Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.

HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.

How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄

pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love

Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?

Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.

I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire

This will never not be funny 😭

DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?

ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there

But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?

Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.

Me: OMG, what a great day!

Anxiety: Wait for it…

Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?

If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.

Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.

My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.

People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.

6yo: Newton discovered gravy

Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.

6yo: what’s that?

Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space

6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy

Me: Don’t spit at your sister!

4: I’m a bunny.

Me: Bunnies don’t spit.

4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.

Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.

My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork