@ilovepie84

My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.

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@Ygrene

Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you

Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know

@KeetPotato

[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?

@DaddyJew

Interviewer: what interests you about this job?

Me: the pay

Interviewer: can you be more specific?

Me: cash

@Nikkeya08

Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player

Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor

Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison

@DudeImShawn

If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.

@RdrJay47

[Food Network: Cake Wars]

As the team barely delivers their massive cake to the judges table.

Cat Judge pushes it off the table

@drinksmcgee

When you wake up after a night of binge drinking and you can’t remember how you ended up in the situation you’re in.

@SteevUmc

My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?

@slimmy_shady

20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?