My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
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Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
This meeting could have been a cake
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.