Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
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[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
[Food Network: Cake Wars]
As the team barely delivers their massive cake to the judges table.
Cat Judge pushes it off the table
When you wake up after a night of binge drinking and you can’t remember how you ended up in the situation you’re in.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?