Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.

all that yoga finally paid off

Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee

Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.

I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.

People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be

Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0

*Looks left*

*Looks right*

*Crosses road*

*Gets run over by chicken*

Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.

Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit

My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.

I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.

[god creating jellyfish]

how bout an evil bag

“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.

A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.

I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.

My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.

o shit

I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.

The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.

my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:

Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!

Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly

Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.

Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.

Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.

“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito

I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.

I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.

gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination

If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?

Checkmate, science.

I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.