My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
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My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
I used to work for a large pharmaceutical company. I used to host a load of fake meetings in the nice meeting room, just so me and my colleagues could have a free coffee and biscuits.
A swear jar for Twitter would end world hunger.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Props to just stopping in the middle of the grocery aisle. Personally never tried it, but it seems big.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
My 6 year old put a bucket over her head and climbed the new concrete stairs in our backyard. She immediately tripped & scraped her knee. Once the tears had dried, she sat down for some sober reflection and devised a plan to avoid a similar accident in the future: softer stairs
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises