My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
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ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
I watered a hanging plant on my porch and now have one very pissed off bird I had no idea was nesting there.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”