My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
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Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
There’s a guy in my hometown that sells reptiles and we nicknamed him Jake from Snake Farm. Ironically, he doesn’t have insurance.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
It’s been six months since my last haircut. It might be time to close my barbershop.
Proctology is located in A55
I feel seen
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
It’s nice that the nations of the world have all agreed that movie tickets should be half price on Tuesdays. Something to build on as we forge a global consciousness
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
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