My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
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[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
*my cat, who has 3 different beds and a cat tree* I must sleep on the clothes you have laid out for the day
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.