My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
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Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
synchronized noseblowing
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
what do you mean you’re the glamdalorian
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?