My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
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Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Please don’t say you have wasted 365 days of 2024. You actually wasted 366 days. 2024 was a fucking leap year bro
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color