My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
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Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Looking at you, Jesus.
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If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
My wedding will be open casket.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
I was watching a show for about 5 minutes and this chick was listing all these really fun things to do when I realized I was watching a religious show and she was listing sins
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.