Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”

I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.

I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.

*struts into the new year
~ trips

My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”

I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;

my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today

me: inflation, right?

my grandpa: security cameras

Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?

Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.

You know something I’ve discovered?

This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.

It’s about the people you connect with.

Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.

❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.

[1999]

“y2k” making us anxious

[2019]

“k” making us anxious

My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.

What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?

what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”

My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging

I’ve never met a cake I didn’t want to fork.

Mornin

Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.

[3am]

no one:

not a soul:

my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself

peter parker: i’m broke i need a job

mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…

peter: yes! that’s it

mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-

peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper

Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.

Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.

Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat out is Wendy’s.

A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.

[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money

Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now

[first day as an architect]

boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”

me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”

boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”

me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*

if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???

Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?