My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
You Might Also Like
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
Me: If we have a second date I’ll give you flowers
Her: Orchids?
Me: It’s a bit early for children, Sharon
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?