My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.

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The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.


HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s


I told my boss I needed a pay rise, I said that 3 other companies were after me. He said: “which ones?”

I replied: “the electricity, gas and the water”.


Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.


*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*


She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.


*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.


Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.


[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]

5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.

Me: What’s wrong with it?

5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.