@Lisabug74

My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.

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@Ideal_Victoria

*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*

There. That should keep ’em out.

@GoldenSpirals

My neighbour left her outdoor stereo blaring & went out for the night. I now have a set of speakers for sale, minus the wires. Call me.

@SirEviscerate

BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.

@KarenLyneButler

I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!

Said by nobody.

Ever.

@iAmDelFreaky

If I could set people on fire with a single stare, a lot of innocents would die.

“Sorry sir, we are closed.” FIRE!

“Good morning.” FIRE!

@joshcomers

MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.

@rickolantern

I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.

@dreamthievin

I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial

@Lisa_Laughs_

I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.