The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
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HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
I told my boss I needed a pay rise, I said that 3 other companies were after me. He said: “which ones?”
I replied: “the electricity, gas and the water”.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.