@handsock_butts
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
@Lisabug74
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
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@handsock_butts
@dolladollabille
@4SLars
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
@daemonic3
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
@lecalabara
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
@FatherofTweet
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
@FredTaming
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
@patrickmarkryan
*filming the Buick commercial with Matthew McConaughey* “the leather keeps sticking to my back” “for the last time Matt keep ur shirt on”
@SadieSmithRoks
Is no shave November just for men?
Asking for my female Italian coworker and her mustache.