Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
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Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
me: stop it
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
*filming the Buick commercial with Matthew McConaughey* “the leather keeps sticking to my back” “for the last time Matt keep ur shirt on”
Is no shave November just for men?
Asking for my female Italian coworker and her mustache.