@Lisabug74

My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.

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@handsock_butts

Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.

@4SLars

Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”

@daemonic3

U-HAUL, may I help you?

“You have any moving boxes?”

No all our boxes stay still

“Well you better go- wait what?”

Stop calling here, Dad

@lecalabara

If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.

@FatherofTweet

Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”

@FredTaming

[ bad kitty ]

me: cut it out

cat: ?

me: stop it

cat: ?

me: knock it off

cat: now we’re talking

@patrickmarkryan

*filming the Buick commercial with Matthew McConaughey* “the leather keeps sticking to my back” “for the last time Matt keep ur shirt on”

@SadieSmithRoks

Is no shave November just for men?

Asking for my female Italian coworker and her mustache.