*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
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My neighbour left her outdoor stereo blaring & went out for the night. I now have a set of speakers for sale, minus the wires. Call me.
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
If I could set people on fire with a single stare, a lot of innocents would die.
“Sorry sir, we are closed.” FIRE!
“Good morning.” FIRE!
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.