Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”

there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u

“I’d like to make a toast.”

– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family

[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?

Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).

WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*

Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat

You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.

“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”

[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?

Everyone is always saying “take it on the chin” as a metaphor for enduring misfortune courageously until they take it on the chin & realize that’s the human knockout button.

They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope

a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back

Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time

I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.

Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.

According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.

Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are

I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.

Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:

– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch

God created women and the devil taught her to smile.

My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win

The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.

I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!

ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…

I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.

Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.

“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats

My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.

I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”

I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home

ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted