My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
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I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Lucky old June.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
selena gomez
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison