My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
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Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Cicadas will full on dominate a conversation and then leave you on read for 17 years.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Real House Wines.