My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
You Might Also Like
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
I called the cops on my own party once because I was ready to go to bed.
Feel. He’s so soft.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
one thing that could really “level-up” the experience of being a pedestrian would be if cars had some kind of feature that could indicate to an outside observer whether or not they were going to turn in a particular direction
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
I get distracted pretty eas
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..