My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
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‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
SF is the wild wild west man
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Said hello to someone, they didn’t hear me, immediately assumed it was some sort of sixth sense situation
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.