My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
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me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
I just tested negative for patience.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Broom by every window for quick escape.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever