Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.

And then there were 4

That chalk outline really brings out your dead eyes

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I’m stupid

“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”

HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?

“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”

Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol

I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*

*It’s whoa, by the way

[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”

I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks

*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*

*posts photo of me washing dishes*

*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*

This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers

I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.

My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.

Two robbers were robbing a liquor store when one robber grabs a bottle and asks the other robber “is this whiskey?”

The other says “yeah but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank”.

Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.

Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.

The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise

6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?

Me: Uh

6: Nevermind, Siri…

A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?

Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.

Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.

Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”

It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.

Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?

Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.

I started out with nothing and still have most of it!

Fact.

People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times

Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?

Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety

You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet.  I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.