Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes

Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu

Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*

“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people

When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.

Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach

[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking

It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go

“single and ready to mingle”

thank you so much for the warning

Facebook: Look at my perfect life

Instagram: Validate me harder

Twitter: Does this look infected?

*goes outside*

*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*

*regrets today’s choice of underwear*

The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”

{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…

*I run to check on the donuts

*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”

Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.

When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.

on da cob, we all corn

If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.

[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.

BIDEN: That went well.

OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?

BIDEN: It’s what I do.

Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.

coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm

Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom

Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.

She’ll find love in another man.

Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff

No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.

Me: ready to visit grandma?

Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?

Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.

Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!

Female reproductive system: Hold my beer

It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.

Anyone else get annoyed when a TV show says something like “It weighs 5 kilos – that’s equivalent to five bags of sugar”? Well yes, as long as each bag weighs a kilo, then five of them will weigh 5kg. Who exactly is this helping?

Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.