Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.

INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes

One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher

I feel it

I pan fried chicken tonight.

On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.

i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.

Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money

Manager: Is this true

Waiter: I just gave him the check

Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”

My nickname in high school was “who?”

Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke

what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look

Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.

A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent

I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.

Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.

My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.

*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*

[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]

We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.

My heart hurts when you’re not around

*buuurrrrpp*

Never mind

I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.

I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.

You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.

According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.

“Can you describe your self in two words?”

– Lazy.

I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.

Cardio Made Easy

[rap battle]

me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise

my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok

Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*

Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*