My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
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At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
I have a cartoon in the current Private Eye
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
You should be able to google why a couple broke up