My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
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My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
A friend helps you before you need it
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Found my door mat
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
My mom’s Jewish and my dad’s Catholic so they decided to raise me batshit
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
The chart results are in…
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right