My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
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*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.