My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
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waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
I have always wanted to do this 😭😭
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?