My current situation
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There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
gave a tox lecture and i made a funny joke and one of students says “haha my friend told me about this joke when you made it for his class last year”
omg my worst nightmare the students are finding out i reuse my jokes noooooo
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
Well that tweet went over like a tuna fish milkshake.
fixed it
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear