My current situation
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My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.