Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“We are going to Taiwan”

Juan: No, please don’t!

Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets

It’s not my job to police the internet, but I just saw someone post a recipe for cauliflower cookies and reported them for harmful content.

Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table

For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.

If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.

Carry on floating head selfie chick.

I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.

The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.

My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!

*ernest hemingway voice*

2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”

wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?

me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party

wife: that’s not a thing at funerals

me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*

Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun

[first day as a midwife]

ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!

NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.

My daughter just asked me why can’t she just quit school.
I told her it’s against the law and I could go to jail for it.

She looked me in the eye and said….

“I’ll visit you”

Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?

priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]

Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS

Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime

Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.

*seasons greetings*

*eats greetings*

Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin

in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down

Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone

Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”

Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”

Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.

Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.

I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.

A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”

I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.