Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.

I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.

They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….

At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.

One venti cheeseburger please.

[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied

i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct

I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?

Aw cool firepit!

Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰

FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago

*dents another car while parking*

*leaves note under windshield wiper*

“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”

Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down

You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!

My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.

A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.

How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?

Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!

The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*

The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.

I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.

I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.

Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives

Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life

So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.

Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.

I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle

OMG you guys!! I have abs

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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.

kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”

In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.

Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there

Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here

Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?