My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
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Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…