My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
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Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
Calling in noise complaints on my own home so my neighbor thinks I’m cool
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Who says all the good chemistry jokes argon??
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
It do be feeling this way.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.