My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
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My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
“My lawyer will have me out in an hour.”
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
I just squealed when I saw my daughter brought home 2 lost water bottles from school. This is my life now.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
🥶🥶🐶🐶
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?