My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
You Might Also Like
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*