My current wife says she doesn’t like my use of adjectives
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I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Why am I like this?
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
[caught in a vending machine] SOMEONE BUY E7
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
3yo: Mommy I peed in the bathroom!
Me: That’s great pal! …. Wait in the toilet?
3:…
Me: Did. You. Pee. In. The. Toilet?
3:…
My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall