My current wife says she doesn’t like my use of adjectives
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*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
When I buy a multipack of lip balms, I put one in my purse and scatter the rest randomly around the house to save time from the inevitability of losing them.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
*sewing*
A thread
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.