My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
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TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Eating Taco Bell shouldn’t count for calories because it’s not around long enough