My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
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just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Amazon’s checkout needs a breathalyzer feature which cancels your order if you’ve been clearly drunk-shopping.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.