Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.

Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January

Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer

[First date]

Her dad: I want her home before midnight

Me: but you already own her home

Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will

Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….

[before calculus was invented]

me: I understand everything

Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake

When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.

Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?

Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂

Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉

Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily

I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.

Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.

My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.

I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.

Bruh PLEASE

My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.

I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane

*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*

Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.

4: Mom can I have a snack?

Me: Yeah hang on

4: Did you mean yes?

Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother

every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough

showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt

Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.

My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.

Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.

Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.

thug: do you have a gram

drug dealer: yeah

grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit

Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.

Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells

Wife: Who. Was. She

ok like just. call me at this point

Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.

Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”